PART II: If you want the ultimate pleasure step on a landmine

Ahmadreza’s death marked a turning point in my life. I lost my faith in the Revolution and in religion. I stopped praying, fasting and observing my religious duties. I came to the conclusion that Khomeini was definitely not sent by God. Even if he had been, this God was nowhere close to being either merciful or compassionate. When someone loses his faith, he is confronted by a confusing range of emotions: on the one hand he feels a sense of liberation but on the other he feels alone and isolated. In my case, I had to continue living a dual life: a public life at school where I pretended to be a wholehearted supporter of the Revolution; and a personal one at home where I was to discover a world of diversity and variety that would have been lost to me had I obeyed the strict instructions and censorship of the state.

Madar, too, could no longer see Khomeini’s face in the moon.